This one is the heaviest of my so-many deep blog posts I’ve ever written. This one just made me a little cray, I even had to draft this post in Bahasa. But this also made my heart beat faster and my mind is still running around somewhere. If somebody or at least some people (who don’t know me very well) see me, must have said that I have no problem, I live the happy life as they see. But my loved ones said, I am not Nadya at the moment. And lately I realized about that. Thank God I’m not amnesia or just have alzheimer, but I’m just not sure what is really happening 😦
In these past few months, I’ve faced a new challenge. At first I had this little excitement in myself yet I wasn’t so sure about what I was going to do in the future, but, after took a look around and some people just explained me about what I was about to receive, I was kinda depressed or maybe I am still by now. Suddenly my fighting spirit has gone, shoo just like that. At the moment, I’m also confronted by (what I think) inefficient things, that such a waste of time. In the other side, I kinda wish the system had gone worst, destroyed or burnt, and then things would go back to basic. My ethos fell dramatically and I turned rebel. I really wanted to shout these things out, but when I took a look behind me, I refused to do so and remained silent. I’ve been trying to do what I can do right now, though I kinda wish things would go back to the way they were before. And I’m not ready to face the worst things I am about to accept if I do things unexpectedly. No, I’m not writing a drama, or just making this up. My mind is (still) running around yet it is full of something I don’t know what to explain. There are days when I’m brave to step forward, and there are days I just don’t want to move at all, it’s like my mind and body against me. In this situation, I’ve just received a lot of perspectives telling me to go away, find a better opportunity and sanctuary. What really is happening here? Does boredom strike me this hard?
Then I started to think, why did I feel this way? What really is happening around me? Why is my mental so fvckin’ jaded? What do I need to change? These things freak the hell outta me. In the end, maybe I already had the answers to this situation. What I think is good, I try to make the most of it. But sometimes I am confused, why I daydream too much when I’m supposed to do something. And it keeps going over and over again, then I feel tired and I just do nothing. Like I already know what I’m about to do is a waste of time. Pretty sad, isn’t it?
Another problem is that I need to stop thinking about something that actually never happened. Like I need to stop exaggerate things that 100% will not be happening unless God wants it to. I just realized that I exaggerate things too much. And it’s not really healthy, you know.
I’m kinda sad to share these personal things with you, but I’m just trying to be honest and kind to myself right away. Some close friends said, whatever it is that makes me happy, just do it with no doubt, because I do not live to impress people. And that makes sense.
I don’t think I can change the system, maybe it’s me who needs to change. But I’m kinda afraid to do so………………..